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BACK FROM THE DEAD 4 YEARS LATER.
College Nerds Refuse to Graduate
SASKATOON, CANADA – During the past decade, college and university enrollment rates in North America have been curiously rising. Hundreds of thousands of students a year attend their schools of choice in order to learn a specific trade or to test their alcohol tolerance. And while the stories of the freshmen have been told many times over, there remains a group frequently ignored.
Stockboy Wishes Stud Image Would Appeal to Younger Women
WINNIPEG, MB - Grocery store stockboy Jeff Reinert told friends late Thursday that he wished that the stud image he has developed over the last three years at Big Bob's MegaFood would translate to girls his own age.
Dark One A Victim of Charity
NEBRASKA - James Colley, 24, was victimized by a family of do-gooders hell-bent on helping him, he told police Monday. Colley, who prefers to be addressed as “Super-Funky Evil Dark Ninja Canary,” or “The Dark One,” for short, says that he first became victimized by the family when he lost his job last fall.
Geeks Live Vicariously Through D&D
Updated 5-9-03
RENTON, WA - Long considered to be merely a form of escapism, Wizards of the Coast's famed roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons has increasingly become a way for geeks to experience activities that their normal lives wouldn't allow according to a recent marketing survey.
Psychic Reveals Predictions for 2003
PHILADELPHIA - After unsuccessfully predicting any of the events that occured in 2002, novice psychic Ijar Mumar is back with a new published list of predictions for the year 2003. Many of which came to him in the form of violent seizures during his nightly bowel movement, or "shit disturbers" as he likes to call them.
Woman Accidentally Sent to Heaven, Brings Back Pictures
CALGARY, AB - "He/she who dies with the most stories wins." If Wanda McTavish follows this philosophy, she may be the winner of all winners. As the vacationing 23-year-old model woke up on Sunday, she found herself not in her hotel room in Calgary, but on the other side of the Pearly Gates.
Naughty Children Fund Terrorists
WASHINGTON, DC - In a recent press release, President George W. Bush informed the nation that the millions of naughty children across American have been funding terrorists. The traditional "coal gift" has been more and more difficult to access due to the almost complete disuse of the substance. Oil and gasoline, valuable commodities provided to Americans by those with terrorist ties, have taken coal's place under the tree.
Chinese Boy Pulls E.T. Stunt, Parents Sue Spielberg
XIAN REGION, CHINA - A quiet and remote village in the Xian region of China has been traumatized by an event surrounded by mysterious circumstances. Wang Lu Hui, son of Wang Kang Hui, was found nearly forty miles from his home, naked and mangled. The outrage, however, has not been directed towards the usual suspects. Instead, it has been directed towards American shores, more specifically, towards the famed director Steven Spielberg.
Geek Announces He Has Girlfriend in Bizarro World
COLUMBUS, OH - Rod Bonnot, avid science fiction fan, told his friends early Monday that he had finally gotten a girlfriend in Bizarro World. The announcement sparked a debate that raged for more than 15 minutes and resulted in tarnished egos.
WWII Documentary Causes Student to "Relive the Horror"
SILVER CITY, UT - Grade 7 student Chad Batts, 13, of Frank Middling Junior High vividly recalled the horror of storming a beach after being shown a World War II documentary during a Veteran's Day ceremony. The teen shared with classmates his harrowing tale of near defeat during a battle in the popular Half-Life mod, Day of Defeat.
Veterinarians Linked to Animal Testing: PETA
NORFOLK, VA - Pet-owners around the world were shocked by an announcement from PETA early Wednesday that veterinarians have been in cahoots with the pharmaceutical industry for decades. Many expressed outrage at the fact that their pets had been subject to animal testing without their knowledge.
D.C. Perverts Breathing Easier
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Washington-area perverts are breathing easier after the sniper who shot 13 people in and around Montgomery County was apprehended by FBI agents early Thursday morning. For the last few weeks they have been constantly harassed because of a sudden increase in levels of public awareness.
Gamers Petition Bush to Ban Sniper
WASHINGTON, DC - Gamers petitioned President Bush to ban the Washington sniper yesterday in an effort to end the shootings. Calls for action ranging from a 48-hour suspension to a permanent IP ban were made by gaming activists from all corners of the nation.
A Bus Ride to Remember
WINNIPEG, Canada - Last week, 12-year old Freddy Filly soiled his pants as he took a crowded public bus ride home from school. "The 35°C temperature and the densely packed bus travelling at a snail's pace did not help," commented one of the passengers. "Nauseating", "horrifying", and "dizzying" were some of the words being used to describe this bus ride.
Man Sues Porn Magazine Over Lack of Arousal
SEATTLE - In a move that experts are paying no attention to at all, avid pornography fan Alan Dixon has filed a class action lawsuit against Penthouse magazine not for money, but for the production of more arousing porn. Eyebrows were raised throughout the legal community as a new precedent in the ever-growing "sue over nothing" trend reached a new level.
Man Auctions Ad Space on His Genitals
LEXINGTON, KY - A new trend in marketing has emerged in the last week as people around America strive to come up with new and interesting places on their bodies to auction following the publicity received by a California man who is selling ad space on his forehead.
30 Hour Feast Deemed Huge Success
NEW YORK - Organizers of the world's first 30 Hour Feast were calling the event a huge success and were already laying plans for next year's activities. Over 500 people turned out for the all-you-can-eat party that featured endless fries and bottomless soft drinks.
Collector Can't Decide Between X-Ray Goggles and End of Story
BROOKS, NV - Local comic book collector and sci-fi enthusiast Harold Ross told friends recently that he is having trouble deciding whether or not to send away for the X-ray goggles advertised on the back page of "Destructo Comics No. 216."
Dow Falls Sharply, Many Americans Too Poor to Care
NEW YORK - The bear which has made its den in the U.S. economy has driven down share prices, caused the worst sell-off in years and has investors fearing that it may take months for the market to recover, yet a recent Gallup poll shows that many Americans remain unconcerned.
| Toxic Sperm is Old News to Former Cheerleader
LORENZO, CA - News that human sperm has increased in toxicity in the last 50 years since WWII was nothing that former high school cheerleader Cynthia Dumont didn't know already. A rise in the use of poisonous chemicals in warfare, agriculture and domestic use has apparently been the cause of symptoms Dumont is well familiar with.
Home Schooling Horror Stories Surface
NASHVILLE - 13-year-old Billy Kramer was the first of seven children to report to the police with complaints of being abused by his extraordinarily intelligent parents while being home schooled. Related cases have been sprouting up all across the United States within the last two weeks and draws similarities with the pedophile bishops cases early in the year. One noticeably common excuse being used by the accused parents is, "I won't let my son/daughter be as stupid as all of you," referring to the general public.
Habitat for Humanity Destroys Natural Habitat
GRAND LAKE, Michigan - What was once a filthy swamp has been transformed by Habitat for Humanity into affordable and convenient welfare homes. The housing is the first of many destructions that Habitat For Humanity has begun to undertake, and is expect to result in cheap housing for hundreds of poor junkies.
Pipebombings Discovered to Be Part of Anti-Wal-Mart Movement
DES MOINES, Iowa - Accused mail bomber, Lucas Helder has told Iowa police that the happy face bombing configuration was only the first stage of his master plan. After 5 hours of intense questioning, the police managed to unveil Lucas' ultimate intentions: to dethrone Wal-Mart.
Tyson's Heart Shines Through
OAKLAND, CA - As Mike Tyson waits for a response on his application for a boxing license in California, he has recently decided to give a little back to the country that imprisoned, fined, and hated him. Tyson has found time in his hectic court appearance schedule to volunteer at public libraries, dental centers, hospitals, and maximum-security prisons.
Star Wars Fan Can't Get Enough "Naboobies"
PORTLAND - Longtime Star Wars fan Owen Murin, 27, told reporters yesterday
that he can't get enough of Natalie Portman's breasts, or as he prefers to call
them, "Naboobies." He also said that the fixation also includes all breasts present
in Star Wars in general.
Birth of Yoda Baby Stuns Doctors
ATLANTA - Doctors are stunned at the birth of a baby boy late Tuesday in what science fiction fans around the world are proclaiming as a miracle. Jeffrey Coombs, weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz, and bears what doctors say is an "uncanny resemblance to Yoda."
Famed Psychic Releases 2002 Predictions
PHILADELPHIA - At the commencement of every new year, psychic Raji Mumar publicizes his predictions for the year to come. After successfully predicting the New York Yankee's loss in the World Series, he was viciously assaulted by the team's loyal fans and now remains in a coma. His brother, Ijar, also a licensed psychic, agreed to carry on the family tradition and has developed his own set of prophecies for the new year and beyond.
Tom Green: Divorce Just A Joke
LOS ANGELES - Less than three days after announcing his divorce from actress Drew Barrymore, shock comedian Tom Green has recanted, claiming that the "whole divorce thing" was a "joke for shits and giggles."
Gamer, 22, Still Searching for Carmen Sandiego
WICHITA, KS - Gamer Leonard Schultz, 22, has been at it for ten years. By his reckoning, he has travelled around the globe a whopping nine thousand times, spent two thirds of the last decade on a virtual airplane, and consumed nearly half a ton of potato chips.
Miracle Baby Actually a Mistake
OTTER FALLS, MI - Bobby-Jean LaFontaine was brought into the world late last night by confused mother, Bobby-Sue LaFontaine, weighing in at 2 pounds one ounce. Scientist are calling her struggled birth a miracle, but the family is calling it a mistake.
Baby Name Denied
MONTREAL, QB - The Organization for the Ethical Treatment of People (OETP) has struck down once again, disallowing a young French couple’s choice of name for their recently born baby girl. "What kind of twisted parents would name their child 'Spatule'?" stated Mel, a spokesperson for the OETP. He went on, saying, "for goodness sakes, this isn’t a soap opera where there are people named 'Jr' and 'Starr,' this is real life!"
Speech Impaired Man Mistakenly Orders Nun at Diner
LONDON - Sean Benning was shocked do discover that he had mistakenly ordered a Protestant nun instead of one piece of halibut and a side order of chips during his lunch break at a local fish and chip shop.
Teen Fails Life
HOUSTON, TX - Benjamin Smart, 16, decided late Sunday that he would no longer attend school, proving that he does not live up to his namesake like his father has maintained for the last twelve years.
Dow Jones Collapses
PHOENIX - Late Friday night, 90-year-old resident of Phoenix County, Dow Jones, collapsed in his shower. Jones, one of the nation’s heroes in WWII, had recently taken ill, prompting many worries from his family, all of which came true.
Local Man Shares Joy with Those Less Fortunate
FARGO, ND - Mark Shore, local businessman and frequent church attendant, has decide to make a difference this year. At the urging of local officials, Mark has decided to share his Christmas with the less fortunate.
Teen Pilot Sets Bar for Nation's Losers
15-Year-Old Kills Self in a Puff of Smoke
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TAMPA, FL - Losers across America will have to meet new standards when attempting to leave the World in a blaze of glory after a 15-year-old student pilot rammed a Cessna 172 aircraft into the 42-story Bank of America Plaza building late Saturday, killing only himself.
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Teen Banned From TFC Server
Accused of Directing Homophobic Remarks at HW Guys
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WHITE FALLS, WY - At approximately 1:04AM MST Monday, gamer Frank Wilson, 13, was banned from the [CFZ] --Ultra Kill Blood Death-- Team Fortress Classic server for violating the accepted code of conduct and directing several homophobic remarks towards Heavy Weapons Guys.
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