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BACK FROM THE DEAD 4 YEARS LATER.
God Calls For Retirement of Pat Robertson
VATICAN CITY - Amid a blaze of lights, God called for Pat Robertson's retirement at a press conference early Friday. Earlier this week, Robertson called on Americans to pray for the retirement of several liberal Supreme Court justices on his TV show, "The 700 Club."
God Promises to Be Impartial in War on Terror
VATICAN - Disturbed by the number of debates concerning whose side He's on in the War on Terror, God announced early Monday that, for the first time in history, He will do His best to remain a neutral party.
Heaven Running Short of Virgins
MECCA - Officials announced early Saturday that they have received word that Heaven is quickly running short of virgins following a recent string of suicide bombings in Israel. Allah, also known as God, issued a Ultimate Fatwah decreeing that all fanatics must cease blowing themselves up until He can procure more.
God Arrested for Possession of Child Pornography
"It is My Son's" Says Lord's Statement
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VATICAN CITY - In what theologians are calling the biggest bombshell since the destruction of the first free love movement in Sodom and Gomorrah, officials announced early Saturday that God has been arrested for possessing nearly 300 billion separate scrolls depicting nude children in various poses and stages of undress.
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Pope Given "Rockstar Treatment"
TORONTO - Thousands of pilgrims from around the globe gathered for the World Youth Day celebrations and to catch a brief glimpse of Pope John Paul II. The media frenzy around the pontiff is enormous, and the shrivelled little man is constantly followed by a crowd of clamouring fans.
God Smites Bishops, Fondles Them First
BOSTON - Two of the bishops recently accused of molesting young churchgoers are dead after God Himself was seen beating them down in public. At first there was confusion whether it was actually God laying the smack down on the old men, but little doubt was left in witnesses' eyes when He magically vaporized the blood-stains from His robe.
| Bush Abolishes Blacks Following Christian Report
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced early Friday that blacks have been abolished. "A group of American scientists have proven that blacks are not true humans," the President announced, "and we have decided to take appropriate steps."
Heaven's Gate Cult "Doing Great"
UFO, HALE-BOPP COMET - Many believed that March 26, 1997 was the end of the Heaven's Gate Cult, but Captain Alaz De Frogagi, aka former Heaven's Gate leader, Rick Ross, says it isn't. The cult has finally been able to relay a message from the spaceship they have been living on. That message: "We are doing great."
God Settles Gender Debate, Proves Masculinity
VATICAN CITY - In front of a crowd of thousands, God settled the dispute over His gender once and for all by removing His robes and displaying His genitals.
God Feeling Left Out After Oscars
VATICAN CITY - God announced at a press conference late Sunday that He was "extremely disappointed" that He was not even mentioned once in any acceptance speech at the 73rd Academy Awards.
Son of God Misses Millennium, Apologizes
Jesus: "I was completely booked!"
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VATICAN CITY - Jesus Christ announced, at a press conference Sunday, that He was sorry about missing His widely anticipated Millennium appearance, citing that He was completely booked.
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