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BACK FROM THE DEAD 4 YEARS LATER.
Olympic Torch Tours Los Angeles; Fires Rage, 1000's Evacuated
LOS ANGELES - Celebration turned to tragedy in Los Angeles where the Olympic Torch relay sparked wildfires that incinerated homes, destroyed wildlife and sent thousands of residents fleeing for their lives.
FOXNews Orders An End to Word-Plays on Coleman TV Series and Bizarre Actions
LOS ANGELES - Fox News Channel senior vice president John Moody has ordered an end to Gary Coleman related short-insane-has-been jokes, according to a report set for Monday release.
Bush Sweetens Road Map Deal With Coupons
TEL AVIV - In a bid to gain more local support for his "road map" to peace in Israel, President Bush announced at a press conference late Saturday that the U.S. would include valuable cents-off coupons to all civilians who buy-in to the idea.
Oil Shipments Fuel Starving American Vehicles
President Urges Nation to "Start Your Engines"
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - After months of suffering from rising oil prices, starving vehicles across America have finally found relief as the first oil shipments arrived following the apparent collapse of Saddam Hussein's regime in Iraq Wednesday.
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America Boycotts "That Country That Surrenders A Lot"
PHILADELPHIA - Thousands of Americans across the country have joined forces to show how outraged they are by France's refusal to support U.S.-led military action against Iraq. They have vowed to boycott all things of French origin, including striking French words from the dictionary.
Heaven Reveals Jesus Behind Sniper Attacks
VATICAN CITY - Church officials stunned FBI investigators early Monday when they announced that they have received a communique from Heaven revealing that Jesus is behind the Washington area sniper attacks. Heaven authorities report that Jesus has "totally wigged out."
11/9 – America Doesn’t Remember
NEW YORK – November 9, 2002 marks the one-year anniversary of the raising of the two smallest love shacks in the alleys of New York City, right off of Canal Street. They are blamed for the emergence of two new sexually transmitted diseases and an explosion of new-borns who are wandering the streets of the city that never sleeps.
Bush Finally Gets Double-Meaning of His Name
WASHINGTON, DC - In an announcement early Monday, President George W. Bush stated at a press conference that he has realized that his name possesses a double-meaning, which explains the constant snickering from people who surround him.
Africa Wonders Why Everyone Thinks They're Backwards
ABUJA, Nigeria - At a recent conference of African nations, delegates were surprised to learn that the rest of the world considers them to be primitive and backwards. They say that Africa is a thriving continent that takes full advantage of the latest technological breakthroughs, just like everywhere else.
Chretien to International Leaders: "My Balls are Huge!"
PM Waves Brass Balls in World's Face
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OTTAWA - In a move that has drawn both criticism and support from all corners of the globe, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien suggested in a CBC interview on September 11 that Western arrogance and greed were probable causes behind the WTC terror attacks. Today, the PM waved a pair of brass balls in front of the world's face.
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Fed's Attempt to Eliminate Unemployment in Atlantic Canada Failed
OTTAWA (via The Daily Hog) - September 11, 2001 will be remembered as a day in Canada when the Federal Government failed to eliminate the unemployment crisis in Atlantic Canada.
ATHENS - In a move that surprised people around the world, the Greek government banned all forms of electronic games in an attempt to curb illegal gambling. Critics of the move claim that it infringes on their human rights, and suspect that there is a more sinister agenda behind the new law, both from the past and from above.
CIA Releases Official List of Things Attributed to 9/11
Public No Longer Left Sleepless, Wondering
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WASHINGTON, DC - Early Monday the CIA released an official list of things that can be attributed to the September 11 terrorist attacks, finally settling a debate that has been raging in the media across America for nearly a year. The eleven-item list addresses many of the concerns that have caused citizens to lie awake at night wondering if they are justified in lying awake at night and worrying, and sheds light on several issues that come as a surprise to many people.
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U.K. to Form Elite Baby-Killing Unit
LONDON - Amid the controversy sparked by the announcement that the killer of toddler James Bulger will be joining the British Army, top military officials are claiming that this is the first step to forming an elite baby-killing unit, tentatively named ABC-1.
U.S. Air Force Apologizes for Destruction of Santa
WASHINGTON, D.C. - It has been a gloomy Christmas so far on Capitol Hill as government officials struggle to explain why Santa Claus and his reindeer were shot from the sky by a U.S. Air Force F-16 fighter jet early this morning, crushing the hopes and dreams of millions of children.
| CIA Admits to Editing Bin Laden Tape
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Amid the latest controversies surrounding the recent release of what experts are calling the "most damning tape since Tom Greene Uncensored," the CIA has announced that the Bin Laden tape was edited prior to its release to the general public.
Afghan Women Not As Ugly As Expected
KABUL - Days after the apparent fall of the Taliban regime in Afghanistan, women all over the country are removing their burqas after years of oppression. Much to the surprise of the international community, these women are not the hideous beasts that were pictured in school textbooks as recently as two years ago, leaving many to wonder, just why were all the women covered up in the first place?
UN Forces Greece to Apologize for Alexander the Great
DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA - The United Nations has unanimously adopted a declaration which will force Greece to apologize for the actions of Alexander the Great, following the World Conference Against Racism. Documents obtained from the conference state that Alexander was "ruthless in his drive to subjugate neighbouring cultures."
California Governor Announces "Payways" Will Replace Freeways
LOS ANGELES - California Governor, Gray Davis, announced today that depsite his earlier announcement regarding the end of freeways, this by no means signals the impending halt of road construction.
Obese Nigerian Man Transformed Into Sack of Yams
LAGOS, NIGERIA - Locals are in an uproar after Nombaht Okola, 56, mysteriously disappeared from his hut late Wednesday. Since that time, vigilantes have begun roaming the streets of Lagos, searching for the elusive witch doctor they claim has transformed the obese man into a sack of yams.
Canada to Employ Riotbuster 9000 During Summit
QUEBEC CITY - Following the arrest of several protesters who intended to disrupt demonstrations and breach security at the Summit of the Americas, and with the lastest outbreaks of violence in the city, authorities have been given permission to prepare the Riotbuster 9000 for use.
U.S. Voted Off This Island Earth
HAVANA - In a recent United Nations tribal council, kindly hosted by Fidel Castro and Cuba’s communist regime, the countries of the world unanimously voted the United States of America off of the island we call Earth.
China Agrees to Return Spy Plane Tenfold
BEIJING - Chinese officials assured U.S. diplomats that China has every intention of returning the crashed U.S. Navy EP-3 Aries, stating that "all that could be copied has been copied" and that technical components derived from the plane should be appearing in retail stores in time for Christmas.
Bin Laden to Compete in 2002 Winter Olympics
Afghanistan Takes Aim at Figure Skating Gold Medal
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KABUL - With the faint rumble of U.S. missile strikes in the distance, Osama Bin Laden, perhaps the most hated man of modern times, announced early Wednesday, to a large crowd of Western reporters, that he intends to compete in the upcoming 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, UT.
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CS Gamers Kick Terrorist Ass Worldwide
Record Number of Terrorists Die in Online Matches
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NEW YORK CITY - In the aftermath of the terrorist attack against the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, millions of people worldwide are pausing to reflect on things they hold dear, and wondering what they can do to help.
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New York to Introduce Litter Control Initiative
Plans to Create More Homeless Underway
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NEW YORK - Mayor Rudolph Giuliani announce a new litter control initiative at a press conference Monday, outlining his plans to create more homeless in the most trash-affected areas of the city.
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U.S. Sub Sinks Japanese Fishing Boat
"Bulls-eye!" say Officials
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WASHINGTON, DC - Government officials were quick to hail the recent sinking of a Japanese fishing vessel by a Navy submarine as the "dawn of a new age in killing shit."
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Bush Inks Deal with Nazis
Failure to Sign Enviro-Bills Should Produce 'Global Gas Chamber'
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WASHINGTON, DC - George W. Bush has been receiving lots of flak for failing to sign a global warming treaty, despite election promises to clean up the environment. The most criticism has come from the hard left and environmentalists, but new plans that were unveiled early this week should anger more.
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Pamplemousse Hailed As Vulgar, Obscene
Word to be Censored for "Sexual Connotations"
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NEW ORLEANS - Thousands of protesters marched through the streets earlier this week, proclaiming the French word for grapefruit - pamplemousse - as both vulgar and obscene. Also blacklisted by the protesters are the words buckle, Schuh and vert.
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