CALIFORNIA – Former Latino heartthrob Ricky Martin has announced that he went back into the studio and recorded a new album. Many wonder why he thinks this was necessary, as Latino music went out with tight leather pants and dancing hamsters.
His last album, Sound Loaded (2000), did abysmally in the charts compared to his self-titled English debut in 1999, which left preteen girls swooning and serious music listeners searching for ropes to hang themselves.
Appearing on Entertainment Tonight in early May, Ricky explained what he did during his three year hiatus, saying that he was "pampering himself and cleansing his soul." Host Bob Goen remarked after the show that he was surprised that Ricky had controlled his lisp. When told that the singer hasn’t come out as a homosexual, Goen reacted just as anyone would have.
"What do you mean he’s not gay?" he was heard shouting to a crowd of snickering co-hosts and teamsters. "No man wears tight leather pants because they’re comfortable! Not even our fashion editor with the soul patch!"
A string of curses followed suite, including the phrase, "Shut the fuck up, Mary!"
However, his outburst shines light on a subject that has long been the butt of many a cable comedy sketch. Why doesn’t Ricky admit that he swings the other way? There have been speculations for years following the release of his internationally famous English release, but none have put it more damningly than one of his fellow Latin music artists.
"During the recording of our video, he wouldn’t even fondle me, like most of my other co-stars," Christina Aguilera commented. "He was too involved in thrusting his pelvis at some kind of statue of a naked Greek man that we had imported as a prop. I mean, come on! I don’t have that many STDs!"
But while Aguilera has moved on with her career, starring in televised Foxy-Boxing matches on MTV, so have Martin’s preteen fans. Now semi-rationally thinking teenagers, they have followed the trends to hip-hop music, and in center stage is the new rapping Justin Timblerlake. When approached, he had this to say:
"Who does he think he’s foolin’? Ricky should just let go an’ embrace his true nature. Ya know, like me," he said, on set rehearsing for his new music video. Candidly, he expressed his relief at not being in a boy-band anymore. ("The velvet jogging suits and bling are much more freeing.")
Despite what his peers and critics say, Martin insists that his sexual orientation isn’t an issue. In addition, he remains confident that there will always be a place for music with dance beats and Spanglish lyrics. We at the Daily Bull predict in the $5 used CD bin at a discount store near you.
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