ALBUQUERQUE, NM - Penis-enlargement supplements, which have been advertising on the Internet and through spam for many years now, have been notorious for not living up to their claims. Thousands of people have paid up to $100 per bottle for these miracle drugs, despite massive numbers of testimonials against them.
Entrepreneurs have been adamant that their products work, and many have expressed confusion over lawsuits and repeated demands from customers for refunds. Early this week, the mystery of why penis-enlargement pills do not work may have finally been solved.
"Look at this!" said Cliff Wittstock, 42, pointing to a huge mound laying in front of him, covered in towels. "Thirty days later, I'm twenty-six feet bigger! This isn't what was supposed to happen."
Wittstock received a spam e-mail from CockGrow, Inc. in early June which promised to increase his penis length and girth by three inches for a mere $75 plus shipping and handling. Wittstock, whose penis was just slightly below average size, figured that he had nothing to lose. A few weeks after placing his order, the bottle arrived and he began to take the recommended dosage of three pills per day.
"The instructions said that I shouldn't stop taking the pills until I ran out, at which point I would have to order more," Wittstock explained. At first, he says, there was no change in his penis.
"But then, on Day 28, it was like holy shit!" he said, patting the mound. Wittstock's penis grew more than seven feet in length over one night, and more than three inches in circumference. "It was like a thick rope."
Wittstock immediately stopped taking the pills, yet enough enlargement supplement has remained in his system to cause another nineteen feet of growth, and a whopping fourteen inches of girth. Wittstock has been forced to remain home from his work as an industrial welder, and must push a wheelbarrow bearing his coiled-up penis in order to move around.
CockGrow, Inc. founder Cody Lockman, a 23-year-old high school drop-out who turned to the Internet to make easy money, told The Daily Bull that CockGrow's secret ingredient is a blend of herbs that he bought from a street peddlar in New York.
Following Wittstock's complaints, FDA authorities performed an inspection on Lockman's basement and discovered that the 4000+ orders that he has filled in the past year have been created from the same 30-gallon batch.
It appeared that Lockman had failed to stir the pill mixture enough, said inspectors, and the secret herbs settled to the bottom, rendering pills made from the top mixture useless. Wittstock's order was scraped from the bottom of the vat, and was subsequently made from near-pure herbs.
Impotence expert Dr. Forrest Nash told The Daily Bull in a telephone interview that Wittstock must avoid arousal at all costs until surgery can correct his problem.
"Even the slightest erection could drain his entire body of blood, causing him to loose consciousness," Dr. Nash said, "so we will have to install pumps at various intervals along his shaft to correct this problem, and of course, there will need to be many blood infusions."
Arousal isn't an immediate problem, says Wittstock. "My wife is spending a few days at her mother's while she comes to terms with this. My biggest problem is pissing through something the size of a Tyrannosaurus tail," he said, referring to a constant drip of urine from the end of his gargantuan member.
The human bladder lacks the strength to shoot a stream of urine through such a long tube, and medical experts have estimated that it takes three hours for one drop to travel the entire length of Wittstock's penis.
In light of the CockGrow inspections, the FDA is recommending that men cease taking any kind of penis-enlargement supplement until the manufacturers can be tested for proper stirring techniques.
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