|
British Prime Minister, Tony Blair
|
We are locked in a historic struggle over my staying PM. On its outcome hangs more than the fate of the Iraqi people, but also my political future. Were we to fail, which we will not, because the British have never failed in Iraq before and also because I'm psychic, it is more than 'the power of America' that would be defeated. It would also be me. The hope of freedom and religious tolerance in Iraq would be snuffed out, as would the hope of monkeys falling out of my ass when I bend over and cows giving chocolate milk. Dictators would rejoice. Fanatics and terrorists would be triumphant, as ever they are when you don't obey my every command without question. Every nascent strand of moderate Arab opinion, which we have up to now scorned and have not now or ever before contacted in any way, since we prefer dictatorships and monarchical dynasties as allies... I'm sorry; I lost my train of thought. What was I saying? Oh, yes:
If we succeed—yes, now I say if even though I just promised that we would—if Iraq becomes a sovereign state, governed democratically by the Iraqi people and the majority don't vote for a religious theocracy and there isn't a devastating civil war and the monkeys falling out my ass drink deeply of the chocolate milk; the wealth of that potentially rich country, their wealth; the oil, their oil, are controlled by our largest corporate behemoths; the police state replaced by the rule of law and respect for human rights reinforced by the closure of newspapers and detention without charge by our armed forces... imagine the blow dealt to the poisonous propaganda of the extremists and the reinforcement of our own, marginally-less-poisonous propaganda. Imagine the propulsion toward change it would inaugurate all over the Middle East. Go on, imagine it. Now clap! CLAP IF YOU WANT TINKERBELL TO LIVE, YOU BASTARDS!
In every country, including our own, the fanatics are preaching their gospel of hate, basing their doctrine on a willful perversion of the true religion of Islam. Thankfully, good Christians know nothing of this woggish, nearly Irish, distortion of God's will. At their fringe are groups of dusky young men prepared to conduct terrorist attacks however and whenever they can. Thousands of victims the world over have now died, but the impact is worse than the death of innocent people. It has actually called the policies of empire, economic hegemony, and cultural superiority into question. Plus it's cut into my practice of lying whenever I choose and this is intolerable. It almost made my friend, George W. Bush, cancel one of his vacations. I'm kidding, of course.
The terrorists prey on ethnic or religious discord. If only we could teach them the tolerance to play on class. From Kashmir to Chechnya, to Palestine and Israel, and in fact everywhere but Ol’ Blighty, they foment hatred, they deter reconciliation. In Europe, they conducted the massacre in Madrid. They threaten France, but that's not enough to make up for Madrid. I'm kidding, that was just a joke; relax you croissant-eating street urinators. They forced the cancellation of the President of Germany's visit to Djibouti, where, I am told, there is excellent golf. They have been foiled in Britain, but only for now, and only thanks to me. Vote for anyone else, and you will surely be blown to smithereens.
Of course they use Iraq. It is vital to them. If I had it to do over again, perhaps I wouldn't have helped hand them the whole damn country on a chaffing dish. It may have been a mistake. As each attack brings about American attempts to restore order, so they then characterize it as American brutality. And in the event of actual brutality, thankfully, we can characterize it an attempt to restore order. As each piece of chaos menaces the very path toward peace and democracy along which most Iraqis want to travel, I think most anyway, we haven't asked, but believe you me, Iraqis love us the way they way you Yanks ate up Davey Jones and the Beatles; I'm sorry, I'm off again. Anyone? Oh yes, yes, the battle inside Iraq itself.
So what exactly is the nature of the battle inside Iraq itself? Seriously, because I'm very confused, what with the Sunistas and the Shitites and Free Turdistan. Can't tell one damn camel jockey from the next, really. Best to let on they're just one unanimous democracy loving blob and a few bad apples. Bad as India.
This is not a 'civil war', though undoubtedly they to try to provoke one. So, if they do provoke a civil war, it won't ever actually be a real one, which is good for us, because civil war in Iraq would be a fucking disaster. The current upsurge in violence has not spread throughout Iraq. Just a good bit of it. It won't spread any further though. Trust me. I mean, why would it? Much of Iraq is unaffected. STOP THAT SNICKERING! The insurgents are former Saddam sympathizers, angry that their status as 'boss' has been removed, terrorist groups linked to al-Qaeda and, most recently, followers of the Shia cleric, Muqtada-al-Sadr. But that's it! No more groups coming in, this is all we're fighting, high-hosey dibseys, no more on your side. No fingers crossed, no going back, teams are final.... NOW!
The latter is a fundamentalist, an extremist, an advocate of violence. He is wanted in connection with the murder of the moderate and much more senior cleric, Ayatollah al Khoei last year. We meant to arrest him earlier, but we were busy. The prosecutor, an Iraqi judge, who issued a warrant for his arrest, is the personification of how appallingly one-sided some of the Western reporting has become. Most Iraqis are just like this man, who has a kissing poster of Paul Bremmer over his bed. The woggies all love us. Except for the terrorists, dead-enders, Baathist hold-outs, followers of Mocha Chock Sadar, and all the people who are mad because we killed people they loved, or bombed their houses, or occupy their country.
There you have it. On the one side, outside terrorists, an extremist who has created his own militia, and remnants of a brutal dictatorship which murdered hundreds of thousands of its own people and enslaved the rest. On the other side, people who love us unconditionally and want nothing more than paler skin, video games and Beyonce. Thank Christ it's that simple, otherwise we might be well and truly fucked.
Over the past few weeks, I have met several people from the Iraqi government, the first genuine cross-community government Iraq had seen. They are three of the sweetest people you'll ever meet, they speak unaccented English and thank God wear odor free modern dress. If you squint, you can almost pretend they're English, until one of them lets loose with a stream of that Ja-ja-ja they call a language. Oh, well, not the potter but the potter’s clay and all that.
The tragedy is the coverage of Iraq which our absurd 'freedom of the press' makes it very difficult to control. Luckily we've given them no such rights over there, so it's not complete bollocks. There is a huge amount of reconstruction going on; our own offices look splendid, so a big thanks to the Yanks at Halliburton and we'll be going over the bill with a fine tooth comb. The legacy of decades of neglect and a month or so of intense bombing is slowly being repaired. Very slowly. So don't call us because we know and we'll get to it. Don't you trust us?
By 1 June, electricity will be 6,000MW, 50 per cent more than prewar, but short of the 7,500MW they now need because of the massive opening up of the economy, set to grow by 60 per cent this year and 25 per cent the next. My ass monkeys will make sure of it, and chocolate milk all 'round for afters.
The first private banks are being opened. Those in work have seen their salaries trebled or quadrupled and unemployment is falling. One million cars have been imported. And that's just in America, so vote Bush! In Iraq, thirty per cent now have satellite TV, once banned, where they can watch al-Jazeera, the radical Arab TV station, telling them how awful the Americans are. But I'm sure we'll do something about that soon. Many of them are now watching "The Apprentice," "The Simple Life" and "East Enders" re-runs, so soon they should be as malleable and indifferent as our own voters.
The Internet is no longer forbidden, which is good, as pornography is wonderfully distracting, and not just for me. Groups of women and lawyers meet to discuss how they can make sure the new constitution genuinely promotes equality. Sometimes the women even pull down the eye slits a bit which, while alarmingly provocative, does allow them to see the lawyers better. It's a vacation paradise, and I'm not going to make the whole 'ass monkey' allusion again, but honestly, it's fucking heaven, just one constant orgasm. Did I mention they have the Internet?
People in the West ask: why don't they speak up, these standard-bearers of the new Iraq? Why don't the Shia clerics denounce al-Sadr more strongly? I understand why the question is asked. But the answer is simple: they are Arabs. They remember 1991, when the West left them to their fate. They know their own street, unused to democratic debate, rife with every rumour, and know its volatility, despite the 'forget our past betrayal' gas MI5 cooked up and swore would work. They read the Western papers and hear its media, and know as I do that they are the cause of all the violence. And they ask, as the terrorists do: How can reasonable, decent people not unquestioningly obey the will of Tony Blair?
I believe they should. And the rest of the world must put a sock in it. I mean, take a lesson, France. How do you say 'shock and awe' in French, you simple froggy bastards? Give me an excuse that's all I'm saying, cheese-eaters. And if Jerry thinks I'm not talking to him as well, I'll hack his fucking legs out from under him. None of this is to say we do not have to learn and listen. But we don't. There is an agenda that could unite the majority of the world. It would be about pursuing terrorism and rogue states on the one hand and allowing me to define who the terrorists and rogue states are without question on the other. The Palestinian issue, poverty and development, democracy in the Middle East, and dialogue between main religions, can wait. Right now it's a bit of the old ultra-violence.
|
Our Crusaders didn't just give up.
|
Our greatest threat, apart from the immediate one of terrorism, is questioning Me. When some ascribe, as they do, the upsurge in Islamic extremism to Me, do they really forget who killed whom on 11 September 2001? When they call on us to bring the troops home, do they seriously think that this would slake the thirst of these extremists, to say nothing of what it would do to my staying PM? Did the Crusaders just say, "All right, I'm taking my ball and going home"?
Or, if we scorned our American allies and told them to go and fight on their own, that somehow we would be spared? I mean, maybe if we'd never gone along with the war in the first place like most of you wanted, sure, but now? If we withdraw from Iraq, they will tell us to withdraw from Afghanistan and, after that, to withdraw from the Middle East completely and, after that, who knows? Why, one day, the sun might actually set on our shores. But one thing is for sure: they have faith in our weakness just as they have faith in their own religious fanaticism. And the weaker we are, the more they will come after us. Thank God it's that simple. And thank God doubly I'm in charge and way too old to be cannon fodder.
It is not easy to persuade people of all this; they keep asking impertinent questions. I'm all for spreading democracy, but it's possible we spread it on a little too thick here. Don't think I won't change that if need be. To say that terrorism and unstable states with WMD are just two sides of the same coin—even when the WMD side of the coin turns out to be blank—to tell people what they don't want to hear… that! In a world in which we in the West enjoy all the pleasures of modern existence, both profound and trivial, the vast majority of dusky, woggy bastards who crawl this mud ball and refuse to recognize our ownership want to wear our guts for garters, the jealous bastards.
There is a battle we have to fight, a struggle we have to win and it is happening now in Iraq. I wish I had a stronger ending. I really should have put more effort into this. I mean, I know it's no 'fight them on the beaches,' but Jesus. Sometimes I'm so disappointed in myself. "There is a battle we have to fight..." Yeah, Tony, that's going on the base of a fucking monument, in’it? Fuck.
Mobile
